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The Arghtime Chronicles (Part 2)

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The Brunch Hypothesis

9:00-11:00, The day after the Sami Incident

Arghtime flexed his calves in bed as he slowly came awake. It was a day of the utmost importance. The day he would solve the most heinous of crimes. Yet, the red shirt wearing, glasses sporting lad took his time getting out of bed.

The previous day had been a rollercoaster (metaphorically of course). His dear friend Sami had been found hanging by her underwear in the most vicious of wedgies. A combination of an atomic wedgie and a hanging wedgie. QUITE the embarrassing situation for his infantry commanding friend of Orange Star (Unbeknownst to her but 'knownst' to us, he greatly relished the thought of her like that and kept a mental image). To make matters worse though, this had occurred on day she [Sami] had been eliminated as a contestant for a playable character in the new Super Smash Bros Game. As her friend (and an inspector of some repute), he has been asked to help in the investigation.

The main problem was that the Super Smash agency could not afford publicity on this issue which might decrease sales and cause a public outcry, and so all investigations needed to be kept quiet and off the books. This made Arghtime's job as a detective and inspector exceedingly difficult as he could not work in an official capacity and the main suspects were the other girls in the Smash Manor.  He would not be able to simply show a badge and question the girls... he'd have to employ a more cautious and casual approach.. at least at first. The Director had told Arghtime that he'd have the full day to conduct his report, as well as all the help He [the Director] could provide. Additionally, if substantial evidence was found to implicate one of the girls in the Manor, he would provide Arghtime with extra power to conduct his search, enabling him to solve it faster. But until then the burden of proof fell on Arghtime to implicate one of these other Smash girls.

"But enough of this!" Our protagonist exclaimed, He was tired of all this silent contemplation, and with that Arghtime rolled out of bed and walked out of his guest room (provided for him in the Smash Manor).

The time was 9AM.

Arghtime walked down the hall and made casual greetings as he passed the residents.... but his "hi's" and "Good mornings" were mostly ignored by the female Smash contestants. (A pretentious bunch if he did say so himself). His first stop of the day was the Scene of the Crime. He showed his inspectors badge to Lyn (Of the Fire Emblem world) who was on guard duty at the room.

"You may enter Inspector Arghtime" She said, Arghtime detected the smallest trace of resentfulness in her tone... quite likely due to the fact she herself was completely ignored as a playable character again and relegated to the position of assistant. But Arghtime did little more than take note of this and then proceeded the cross the yellow caution tape.

For the most part the room was quite like any other in the tower. There was a very comfy bed, a few nice end tables, a desk, a tv, Two large panel windows (that in this case were open), two chairs, a door that led to an adjacent room occupied by another contestant, and a large walk-in closet. Everything seemed to be in order and looked as it had when he had been here the day before (You the reader will certainly recall this was the room Arghtime had packed up Sami's belongings in). To the untrained eye there was nothing here to indicate a crime of any sort had taken place. A few pieces of duct tape lay near the closet, all that remained of Sami's restraints which had kept her from escaping.  This room seemed to hold no information.

But this was no untrained detective. This was INSPECTOR ARGHTIME. Arghtime's keen sense of observation quickly noted three key things in the room (Things that you or I would likely have missed).  Two shoe impressions were in the carpet right near the closet, indicating that someone heavy had been here, but these impressions were nowhere else to be found on the carpet except for here. Either the assailant had flown and landed here, or more likely, it could be concluded that this is where the perpetrator had lifted Sami off the ground, increasing the weight placed on the carpet in that precise spot. Their own weight combined with Sami's had been enough to leave a more noticeable print in the carpet whereas anywhere else, the individuals weight alone had not been enough. It seemed the imprints belonged to a pair of rubber soled shoes... but little else could be determined at this moment from them.  

A second piece of evidence in the room was the presence of a white fabric caught near the window. Only a small piece of the cloth was there and it looked to have been snagged on the window's edge, likely by someone either entering or exiting the window.

The last piece of evidence was another piece of duct tape. Ordinary duct tape like what he had noted earlier, only it was the location that made this tape 'unordinary' and noteworthy to our Inspector. Unlike the tape that had been used to restrain Sami which was over near the closet, this tape was just under the side door which connected her room to that of another contestant. Based on its location Arghtime could only suspect this tape had been used to keep the door in-between rooms from locking by blocking the locking mechanism so that someone could gain easy access to Sami's room.

It wasn't a lot to go off of, but it was a start. His preliminary assessment was that the shoe wearing culprit had entered through the side door, attacked Sami, and made her way out the window. At least this would give him a basis for a few questions when questioning the Manor girls. It also raised a few important questions. Where did the white fabric on the window originate from? And most pressingly, who lived in the adjacent room? The adjacent room's occupant seemed to be the most culpable suspect at this moment.

With his preliminary search complete Arghtime left the room (Giving Lyn a pat on her bottom as he exited the room, but chalked it up to it being his birthday so she wouldn't attack him). His next stop was the café where he had agreed to rendezvous with the Director and Sami to go over the case evidence and likely suspects.

He arrived only to find them both the Director and Sami already there along with the another of the Director's assistants (Midna Human form) seated at a round table drinking their Italian roast coffee (Arghtime's favourite). But Arghtime approached, he noticed Sami's Orange thong with a star on it peeking above her green pants, and being Arghtime... how  could he resist?

"GOOD MORNING WEDGIE!"

"EEEEEEEEEEk!" Screeched the Commando girl as Arghtime rocketed her thong up to her mid-back, nearly forcing the infantry commander girl to spill her coffee.  "ARGHTIME!!"

"Arghtime how could you!" Announced the director, who had jumped out of his chair in shock. Even Midna's eyes were filled with a mixture of surprise and horror as she flattened her back against her chair in recoil...

"Relax relax, this was an experiment! I need to see how easy it is for someone to sneak up on you Sami, Knowing this will help up catch our perpetrator, you see?" Explained our prank loving inspector .... adding one final tug on the thong (just because).

"Just because it's you then"  Sighed Sami, her tone higher pitched than normal due to her discomfort. "But don't go making a habit out of these experimental good morning wedgies" she added somewhat playfully.

"OH HOHO! Laughed the Director, his moustaches rising and falling with each laugh!" His movements were so subtle.

(No one knows to this day what possessed the Director to act as he did... some say he was a huge fan of Arghtime, some say he was out for vengeance... I prefer to think he just wanted to have a little fun)

"GOOD MORNING WEDGIE!!!"

Arghtime, Sami and Midna's jaws went slack as the moustachioed man reached up under Midna's dress, and launched her black panties upward, mimicking Arghtime's assault on Sami from not minutes before.

"AIIIIIIIEEEEE" Squealed the Twilight Princess, completely taken aback.  Sadly the director lacked much of Arghtime's finesse and so as he bounced Midna from her seat she knocked the table and sent much coffee spilling on to her dress (though no burns or injuries were sustained!)

Arghtime's eyes bulged from their sockets, Sami covered her mouth with both hands, and the Director... he just let go of the stretched panties and laughed at the blue skinned woman whose bottom was now on full display due to her skirt being bunched up by the wedige.

*WHACK!* went a resounding slap across the Director's face (Leaving a well defined red handprint on the right side of his face, and possibly causing whiplash). This was soon followed by an infuriating and humiliated Midna storming out of the room (doing little to cover her behind... something that was certainly not missed nor unappreciated by our Hero Arghtime whose nose coincidentally starting bleeding just the slightest bit).

"It was just an experiment!" Yelled the director after his assistant, but to no avail. "Oh bother.... good help is so hard to come across these days."

The time was now 10AM.

Smash Manor servers cleaned the mess, and having recovered from the morning's surprises, the table's remaining three members got down to business. (It was reported that during the proceedings Arghtime could not manage to wipe his grin off his face)

Arghtime shared his report of the evidence found in the room. He told them of the mysterious white fabric near the open window, and of the shoe impression left in the carpet. But nothing brought more discussion to the table than the idea that the person in the adjacent room could have been the culprit of this horrendous attack on Sami.

"But... that's Palutena's room!" Pleaded Sami. "Surely she couldn't have done it, she was actually nicer to me than lots of the other girls"

"But the tape!" explained Arghtime. "It had to have been used so she would be able to get in to your room when it was normally locked. And just think, she was likely your closest competition for the last position in the game. Who else had more motive?"

"I find this hard to believe myself except for one thing."  Explained the Director. "It was Palutena who said  'Oh, actually I think I DID see her, [She] was waddling off to her room' (Direct quote from last chapter!).

"Waddling... hmmmm" Pondered Arghtime

"Palutena........ how.. how could she" Said Sami, her eyes downcast and her voice trailing.

"So we have a suspect! Exclaimed the Director. But we still need a course of action. Because you don't have the power of an inspector you cannot just interrogate her... no.. you'll have to find another way."

"And that will be tricky because the girls here really don't like to talk to outsiders. Sorry Arghtime" Apologized Sami.

Arghtime reflected on his morning where he had just simply tried to say hi to a few of the girls and was ignored.... he needed an 'in', a way to get Palutena's attention.

It was at that moment the servers brought breakfast, delayed by the earlier coffee fiasco.

"I really don't feel like breakfast anymore... it's pretty late" Whined Sami

"EUREKA!" Triumphantly interjected Arghtime! That's IT!" And with that Arghtime bolted off.

"What's gotten in to him all the sudden?" Asked the Director

Sami just shrugged. She was eager to go 'correct' her underwear situation.

***

Arghtime reappeared less than 10 minutes later. The Director was puzzled... for all his excitement, nothing about the Inspector seemed to have changed. Nothing except a white label with big black letters, positioned slightly off-center near the top of his red shirt... almost like a nametag...

"BRUNCH!?!" "Huh?" Read Sami with a slight smile and head tilt.. hoping to hide her confusion.

"BRUNCH!" Exclaimed a thrilled Arghtime. "And it's a pleasure to meet you m'lady" he added quite coyly to Sami, raising his right eye brow. It's the exact thing we needed! This will allow me to interview Palutena unofficially!

"Pardon me... but I really don't see how putting a label that says 'Brunch' on your chest will help any of us! Frankly I'm not even through with breakfast yet!" Grumbled the Director.. who by his own admission was apparently still quite hungry (Let this be a lesson to those of you who think Eggs Benedict is a filling dish)

No, you miss the whole point sir. See, to you and most men, this seems foolish... but girls? Girls LOVE brunch!  (At this point Sami realized how much she was smiling at the idea and tried to correct her face to a more neutral one.... it was true...as much as she didn't love huge generalizations and gender stereotypes such as this.... she loved brunch.

"AH! I think I get it! So you won't introduce yourself as Arghtime... you'll be Brunch! And the girls will like you more for it! But do you really think it will work?"

It was at that moment Midna re-entered the room. She was delivering quite an angry glare to the director until she caught a glimpse of Arghtime's nametag. "BRUNCH! oh that's amazing!"

"See?" This coincided with the reappearance of the coy smile and right eyebrow raise. A signature move of our Big-Calved Hero.

***

Sami, Midna and the Director had agreed to re-case the scence of the crime, as well as look over any evidence they had compiled while Arghtime, (codename: Brunch), dealt with Palutena.

As expected, Even the goddess of light, Lady Palutena, was a sucker for brunch and opened up to our Alias using protagonist immediately after seeing his nametag. Within minutes they were chatting on like old friends in a common room located in the basement of the Manor.  But while Arghtime kept her distracted with small compliments, frozen yoghurt, and the promise of window shopping, He was also running the math in his mind (What branch of mathematics you ask? Trigonometry. So if Palutena's panties are Sin2 and her head is Cos2... Using his math Arghtime could make them be one.... He just had to add them together). This woman not only had access to Sami's room, but she had on a white dress! That could account for the white fabric... Palutena certainly was looking guiltier by the minute.

As much as Arghtime was enjoying the small-talk he decided the talk had run its course had and it was time to ramp up his investigation.

"So Palutena.... what do you think about Sami?" Baiting Arghtime

"Oh Brunch, must we talk about that orange haired loser?" Deflected his prey

"Ever.... taken matters in to your own hands? you know, to help get her out of here and secure your own space in the Smash line-up?"

"Me?"

"Yes you, I know you're all pure-hearted and kind.. but you must have thought once or twice about doing something... am I wrong?" Asked Arghtime preparing his final lure... like an angler... (A fishing, NOT a trigonometry reference this time)

"Okay Brunch.. you have me there" Conceded Palutena

"I just mean, it must have been funny to see her waddling about" The Master Puppeteer Arghtime, metaphorically pulled Palutena's strings... ensnaring her in his trap.

"Tee hee" laughed the green haired goddess "truly hilarious! Only I hear she's still sulking about here with some secretary of hers named 'Urghslime' or something revolting like that, nothing as sweet as your name Brunch"

Arghtime stood up and pushed his chair to block the door after which he walked towards the green haired girl. He had heard enough now.

"Brunch? what's the matter?" heehee, how funny would it be if I asked you for Brunch? "Would you like brunch Brunch? ...Brunch?" She added the last part very hesitantly as Arghtime came to stand right in front of her and placed his arms on her shoulders.

The time for metaphorical pulling of strings was over. In milliseconds he had spun the girl around, hiked up her dress, and pulled on her blue thong with the raw force we've come to know from Arghtime.

"BRUUUYYYYYYUUUUNCHHH!!!! EEEEEAAAAAAAAA" The goddess squealed for mercy as she was repeatedly lifted off the ground by her thong.

With her dress all rolled up, and her thong UP as well, her booty was on full display for Arghtime who now alternated spanks on her behind and yanks on her thong while he taunted "For a goddess of light, you certainly seem to be affiliated with the MOON!" (Clever.. Verrrry clever arghtime)

"STOP STOP IIAAAAAAAAAA" Screamed Palutena. "Teleporto!" She said as she attempted to teleport away from her captor. But to no avail, as since he had a hold on her, Arghtime simply moved with her and increased the tension of the wedgie using his signature move.

"CALVE STRETCH!!!" The blue fabric rocketed up past the green haird godesses shoulders with breakneck speed. The speed at which he moved led to a delay in her reaction due to delayed realization and the time required for firing of nerve impulses.

"OWWWWWWWW OOOOOOOOOOOWWWWIIIIEOW!!!!" Came the delayed reaction. A decidedly un goddess-like whine from our Lady Palutena.

"BAD BAD GIRL!" Arghtime added in mock frustration while negatively reinforcing her bad behaviour with spanks.

He continued his 'Spank and Yank' throughout the following dialogue.

"WWWHYYY WHYY are you doing this Brunch?!"

"This is for what you did to Sami!"

"But... I barely did anything."

"Barely did anything!? You must need a reality check! Let me help you." Seeing the tiara on her head and thinking back to Sami's predicament Arghtime had one final idea. "You seem to like having things on your head... let me help you have one more thing on there" And yes, our hero Arghtime proceeded to stretch and stretch Palutena's thong up and up until it reached her neck, then the back of her head, then past her head....

"KKYYYYYAAAAAAAAA" Squealed his victim (Music to his ears... which was interrupted by a loud banging on the door)

"Arghtime, Arghtime are you here!? I have an urgent matter to discuss! It's about Palutena!"  Came a voice from outside, soon followed by the door being forced open, effortlessly knocking over the chair he had placed there.

"Arghtime!" Yelled the director at the same time Arghtime let go of Palutena's thong, snapping it over her chin. "MMMMMMMMMMMMMM!" screamed the muffled girl. Who now waddled about in her atomic.

It was now the director's turn to have just jaw slackened and look with wide eyes towards Arghtime and his work. "Oh gods... oh gods that's her... that's Palutena?"

"Yes sir! And I just about had her confession before you barged in! Isn't that right my cheeky goddess?" He said to Palutena before giving her butt a squeeze, earning him a delightful yelp and jump combination.

"But Arghtime.... there's a slight problem.. a discrepancy" Said a nervous looking Director

"What do you mean?" Arghtime took a moment to step away from his handiwork. She wasnt going anywhere any time soon.

"The shoe print! the shoe! How certain are you of that impression belonging to a shoe?"

"Quite certain. It could belong to a boot possibly, but likely a shoe or something of that sort with a rubber sole. Why Sir?"

"Palutena only wear sandals!!!" Blurted out the Director.

MMMMMMMMPH!!! Added the green haired girl, though she was ignored.

'Oh... " said Arghtime looking down noting her footwear for the first time. Golden Sandals... clearly not the type of footwear that had left the impression in the carpet of Sami's Room. 

"She happens as it is to be the only girl in the Manor to exclusively wear sandals and no closed footwear. If the impression was left by a shoe it could not have been made by her!"

"Oh... dear... oh dearie dear... well it seems I might have made a slight error... But even if she did not do the wedgieing herself, trust me Director when i say this girl is guilty of something! She had a part to play in this! We just need to find out what." Arghtimes words greatly comforted the Director who was visibly sweating now.  

"Well" sighed the Director looking at the wedgied girl "I suppose she should be interrogated then all the same... I trust you can handle this he said nodding towards the atomiced girl... maybe take her some place where she can't complain about this to the HR reps until we've found the culprit too?"

Arghtime now let his grin become a full smile. "Oh certainly Mr Director. Ms Moon goddess here and I have a little more hanging out to do... and then, I think we will know the identity of the true culprit!"

"MMMMMMMph" came the muffled complaints of Lady Palutena goddess of Light as she was hoisted once again in to the air.

The time was now 11 AM

I do not own Advanced Wars, Super Smash Brothers, OR Nintendo.
However, I STILL own YOU ARGHTIME!!! 

This is part 2 of a series with an unknown number of instalments  which takes place in the Smash Manor. 

What was Palutena's role in the crime? Who is the true culprit? Are there new pieces to the puzzle which remain unfound?
Will Arghtime solve the mystery? 

All this and more will be addressed in subsequent instalments of "The Arghtime Chronicles"! 

This story is in fact dedicated to a man with massive calves, Arghtime. (Sorry I missed your Birthday) 
This is a shameless plug for his work, if you somehow haven't checked out his stuff go do it. 
arghtime.deviantart.com/


For those of you who are not familiar, Sami is talented infantry commando in Advanced Wars
advance-wars-net.com/files/aw2…

Midna is a central character and protagonist alongside link in Zelda the Twilight Princess. Her True form: 
vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/z…

Palutena is a payable character in the newest Super Smash Bros who hails from Kid Icarus 
vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/k…
© 2015 - 2024 Yaard-Vark
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arghtime's avatar
lol, man you sure know how to make me laugh

love this detective thing, I love to act over the top and you captured that perfectly :D

can't wait for the next part friend :D